I'm a bit off my rocker today. I'm emotional just so tired people posting, "Do this and you'll feel better." Since Thanksgiving I've been running and I've been trying to make everything work but I feel like I'm trying to change the direction of the ocean tide. I know that it will change on it's own and that if I wait things will change by themselves but I don't want to wait.
I'm tired of stressing over every little thing but just as things start to come together they always seem to fall apart. Maybe it's just this cold weather and being sick for the past 3 weeks.
The kids have been having fun and Peter even made them lunch so I didn't have to. I love seeing the joy in my children and I try to smile and I don't speak out loud about what is bothering me because I don't want to hurt that joy and wonder they have. My family is everything to me and I have and will put myself through all hell to try and make sure that they don't have to go through it.
I think I just need to find a corner to cry in and get past all this.
I think I just need to stop going to all these blogs where people are just so happy all the time. As selfish as it sounds sometimes I need to know that there are real people out there with real problems. It's not because I want other people to be hurt but because I want to know I'm not the only one (which I know I'm not but it's hard to realize that with the postings out there).
The world is not rainbows and unicorns. People are hurting, people are dying, people are at war and people are starving. My life is by no means the worst and Peter and I have had the good fortune to work our way up the rungs of the ladder coming from starving, working long hours and generally just having a bad time to it to now at least having our bills paid.
Life isn't easy and we do need to make the best of it but if we forget the hard times then we are doomed to repeat them.
I feel defeated and I'm sitting here on the PC where I don't need to be.
Tonight we are talking about a movie night with the kids and maybe having a friend over with his children. We will see.
For right now I'm just going to get ready for the day even though it's already noon and see if that will help with my mood some though I doubt it because I think these feelings are more deeply rooted then that but I have to try because if I stop trying then I've just given up and that does no one, including myself, any good.
I need a faith revival in myself, my life and my spirituality. I'm not sure how I will go about that but hopefully the path becomes clear soon.